Am I a fat girl that’s become fit, healthy and, skinny? Am I happy inside? No, I am not. I probably could write for hour’s on how I feel. My personal situation at home is a living nightmare. That added stress makes myself see all the ugly inside me. Maybe because, I have been told this since I was a child. Always considered fat, not worth much my whole life by my own blood. I feel so alone, so lost. I now found out I have to have a kidney biospy. My thoughts have non stop, I have a sick, deadening feeling of dispair that fills my whole entire soul up. I rarely feel happy. I know when I am able to move out again that I can find my lost happiness. I can’t possibly continue each day not wanting time to go buy. I dread each hour, each minute and😰😵 even more so each new morning. Being sick with kidney disease is making it harder to go find a place to live or to do anything really. There’s no hope. I reached out to a few people but, I doubt anything will come of it. These are people I just know from the gym. We are not actual friend’s outside of the gym. They were so kind to say yes but, what are the chances of me getting any kind of help.. I am defective toy because, of the Asbergers. A defective toy that could not be returned. I am dead inside, I just wish the feelings weren’t so utterly unbearable. #skinnyfatgirlgetsfit #alone #surviveordie
Words can’t express how low I feel. Still my body wont let me do what my soul is so longing to due. The gym is my only OUTLET from my crappy life. I am free when I am there. I go in alone and,leave alone. The constant screaming at my house day in and,day out brings me down. I need rest to get better. I am seeking help with housing. I say this every week but, yet I never follow through. Before I joined the gym I wanted to die. I was dead inside. Funny, the say only the strong and,fit shall survive. Survival of the fittest shall only succeed. Really??? Look at my featured image. Look at all my before pics. Most would say I would have survived. But 65 pounds later I’m STILL HERE. So, that quote or saying does not apply. Mt friends its the will we have inside our hearts and, souls. My strength did NOT COME FROM being fit when I first started I didn’t even walk for 10 minutes when i first went. I was over weight. Had no clue what lifting was. So, how did I survive? My strength from inside. I was so motivated to fucking get rid of the old me. I was dying, not surviving,and def not thriving. Today, I am. I need to keep reminding myself I am strong. I can get through this. I feel utterly hopeless and, alone right now. Today I found out a close loved one has terrible thoughts and,blame towards me. My body is my temple. I am slowly building it into an EMPIRE. I am a empire in the making. Oe that will never fall. One that will be so strong NO HATE can get in and, kill me. I’m drowning my friends as of tonight. The only person that can save me is myself. Do i choose to just live? NO, I WANT TO THRIVE. SURVIVE OR DIE
So frustrated. I have acute nephritis and, haven’t been able to get to the gym in 8 days I’m so depressed. I’m so fed up. Regardless I have still lost weight even though I haven’t gotten to the gym.
I feel utterly hopeless. The gym is like my safe haven. I dnt have any friend’s in the real world and the gym I have met some really nice people. We are talking I was at the bottom of the barrel. A bottom feeder at the gym when I joined. I recall my first month I inclined the treadmill all the way and, was swinging from the bars for dear life. Now I can run up the full incline. I’m so angry, I’m feeling every feeling now. All I want is some relief.
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I’m new to this kind of blogging so bear with me.. I am not seeking online fame. Again, this is my blog,my feelings. Feel free to share if you can relate. I died a year ago, I am slowly coming to life. I want to prove that people who start of weak physically like myself as well as over weight ARE strong. NO trainer, NO HELP, NOT ONE PERSON even spoke to me at first. I stand alone and I am proud. It’s me,the iron and, my heart&soul. Nothing else.